Deliverance in Unlikely Places
by Warped Llama
Summary: Somehow the impossible has happened. The crew of Starbug have found another vessel stranded in space and according to the psiscan they're mostly human. What this strange vessel that looks suspiciously like a submarine and will the Dwarfers survive?
1. A Submarine in Space?

Special Thanks (and apologies) goes to:

DAAS (Tim Ferguson, Paul McDermott and Fichard Fidler)

Michael Petroni, Paul Livingston, Khym Lam and Mark Trevorrow

The cast and crew of Red Dwarf

Rob Grant and Doug Naylor

Ted Robinson

Alice, Rosa, Taylor, Emily, Elliot, Stephemu and Jen for without their encouragement and general demand for further chapters, this story would probably have ended in my story graveyard...you can put the whip away now Alice...

Alice again for editing the chapters that were written in Notepad because of my lazyness and moneylessness to buy Microsoft Word...

Tangawarra for the lyrics to the DAAS songs used

AN: This story is based on Red Dwarf and DAAS Kapital - a tv series shown in Australia between 1991 and 1992 starring the Doug Anthony AllStars (DAAS). I don't expect many people to know of/remember the Dougs since they split up in 1994. I have done my best to write them for people unfamiliar with DAAS and their sense of humour to understand. However, if I haven't suceeded please inform me and I shall attempt to rectify it. Also no not all chapters are going to be this short please bear with me until later chapters.

Also a WARNING of language and violence in later chapters. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Ch1 - A submarine in space?

The Cat appeared in the door of the cockpit. "Buds I think you should come quick, my nose hairs are shaking worse than porcupines on their honeymoon! something's out there...something big." Without further prompting the rest of the crew of Starbug piled into the cockpit looking at their instruments. After five minutes, however, there was still nothing on any of the screens.

Kryten looked questioningly at the Cat. "At the risk of second guessing your olfactory system, might I suggest a resmelling?"

"I know what I smelt bud, its big and its headed this way."

"I've got something!" Rimmer said as a dot came on the screen.

"Putting it on visual" said Lister flipping a few switches.

"Its...a submarine! Rimmer was confused, "what's a submarine doing in space?" Indeed for straight ahead was a gigantic submarine. On the side of which emblazoned in large red letters said 'Titanic II'. "Sirs," interrupted Kryten, "the psi-scan has detected life signs...they're human...well mostly. The strange thing is I can't seem to get a handshake from their computer"

"Just recap a bit please Kryten, one quick question, 'mostly human'!"

"Yes Mr. Rimmer sir."

"So I'm not the last human then?" asked Lister excitedly.

"Apparently not sir, I suggest we go over there and introduce ourselves"

"But they're not handshaking, perhaps they could be hostile? I invoke Space Corps Directive 4798542/7." Said Rimmer

"That no elderly Space Corps officer should go skinny dipping? I'm afraid I don't know how that applies to us sir."

"Every single smegging time, you can never let just one through can you? I was talking about the one where members of the space corps should not board an unidentified non-space corps submarine."

"Oh you mean Space Corps Directive 4798543/7" corrected Kryten.

"Its embarrassing more than anything else" said Rimmer going slightly red in frustration.

Lister interrupted "I say we check it out anyway, we're running low on supplies, we might be able to swipe some stuff."

"Agreed sir, after all, we're down to our last 5 000 popadoms." Kryten said nodding.

"I'm with you bud, my leg hair perming kit is running low...there's only enough stuff there for the next 2 years" said the Cat.

"Yes, that's clearly a disaster" Rimmer quipped sarcastically.

"You're telling me!" 


	2. A Big Green Thing

**Ch2 - A Big Green Thing**

"Uhhh guys..." stammered a nervous man, "there's a green thing coming towards us." Another two figures entered the room, one was a short untidy man and the other was cradling a half polished gun that he'd been playing with moments earlier. The were the notorious Australian comedy trio the Doug Anthony AllStars, sentenced to spend eternity cataloging the worlds great art treasures at the bottom of the ocean. Previously in a final bid to remove history Shitzu-Tonka, the giant conglomerate that ruled the world, blew up the submarine with the AllStars on it. However, in their attempt to rid the world of both history and the AllStars they used too much explosive power and inadvertently launched the submarine into space. Now the submarine was drifting aimlessly throughspace, trying unsuccessfully to get back to Earth.

"Guys," Rich called again. Paul sighed.

"What is it Rich?" he asked.

"There's a giant green bug thing headed towards us...WE'RE GONNA CRASH!" Just as Rich finished his sentence, a large jolt was felt through the submarine, knocking everyone off their feet. After a few minutes on the ground, Paul stood up and walked over to Rich who was already off the floor. "I guess we should see how bad the damage is." Rich said reasonably."

"Where did they hit?" Paul asked gruffly

"Sector 7 level 13" Rich said looking at the monitor.

"Right come on then Fiddler" Paul said deliberately mispronouncing Rich's last name.

"B-b-but sector 7 level 13 is h-hau-haunt-" Rich said fainting. Paul shrugged and grabbed one of Rich's legs to drag him down to sector 7 level 13 with him. "Give us a hand will ya tweezer-dick" Paul asked Tim. Tim obliged and took Rich's spare leg and together they went to see the newcomers...and hopefully get rid of them before they got too settled...or worse if Bob or Flacco decided to turn up.


	3. The Beanpole and the Midget

**Ch3 - The Beanpole and the Midget**

Richard had awoken when his head repeatedly bumped against the first flight of stairs and was now trailing behind Paul and Tim, rubbing his sore head and complaining softly to himself. Rich, absorbed in his thoughts wasn't looking ahead and literally ran into Paul and Tim when they stopped short. "Watch where you're going Beethoven" Paul snapped at Rich who just looked at his feet. Tim waited and polished the gun he'd been playing with before the crash.

Meanwhile aboard Starbug, the Dwarfers were busy putting out spot fires that had erupted due to their crash. "I'm afraid I have no idea what happened sirs" Kryten said extinguishing the fires on his console. "I mean what a time for the docking mechanisms to fail on us."

"Kryten," Rimmer started, "shut the smeg up."

"With all due respect sir you are a smeee heee." Rimmer ignored Kryten and went back to work. Sooner than expected the crew got everything under control and cleared up.

"Right," said Rimmer, "I suggest we take the bazookoids with us. They might be dangerous."

"Rimmer, they're Humans" Lister said, "its not like they'd fire on the remnants of their own species."

"You never know, they could be French."

Kryten nodded. "I'm afraid Mr. Rimmer does have a point, after all the French bought Greenpeace and turned it into a dolphin canning facility."

"Fine" conceded Lister.

Rimmer had a thought, "but what about the hole in the wall? won't we all be sucked into space if we step outside?"

"According to the psi-scan, Starbug neatly fills the hole, there's nothing to worry about until Starbug actually leaves the submarine." With that the Dwarfers took their first steps on the unknown vessel, Rimmer had his bazookoid raised, the rest however had left theirs just inside Starbug. The moment all four of them stood outside they were assaulted by a short angry man. "Who are you and what are you doing on Shitzu-Tonka property?" Once the crew began to pile out of Starbug, Rich got a case of nerves and as such Rich was now hiding behind a corner. The Cat looked at Paul and Tim and said loudly to the Dwarfers "Hey? What's with the beanpole and the midget?" Tim looked wide-eyed between Paul and the newcomers "Paul!" he said indignantly, "he called you a beanpole." Paul's eyes narrowed at Tim.

"Shut it, Ferguson or I'll shut it for you." Paul turned his attention back to the four above him. "Look mates, I don't know who you are but I want you off this crate as of yesterday alright?" The Dwarfers looked at Paul in surprise at the anger this man held. Kryten turned to the crew and stated "I do believe this is where we introduce ourselves."

"Really?" said Paul dripping with sarcasm, "I thought you should apologise for breaking and entering considering the situation." He said pointing to the hole that Starbug was now occupying. Kryten was unfazed and walked towards Paul extending his hand. Paul looked quizzically at the mechanoid. "What happened to you? someone use your head as a chew toy? Ugly...ugly _ugly_!" Paul said as if trying to goad the mechanoid.

"Sir, I'm a mechanoid." Paul smirked and turned to the corner, "Hey Rich, come on out! we've found some family of yours! Not only is he _ugly_" Paul emphasized the word again, "but he's not human either!" Rich poked his head around the corner timidly

"Paul, you think that's so funny don't you Mr. Tin Tin head" Rich said the worst insult he could think of, referring to Paul's fringe, the only piece of Paul's hair left after he took to it with a razor, was gelled up to resemble Tin Tin.


	4. Introductions

**Ch 4 -Introductions**

Kryten attempted to ignore the man before him. "I'm Kryten"

Lister walked towards Paul and offered his hand, "I'm Lister, Dave Lister"

Rimmer followed suit "Second Technician, Acting Officer, Arnold J Rimmer, BSS, SSS"

Kryten leaned forwards to Paul and said "He's dead" Paul raised an eyebrow. "He's a hologram, made of light. However he's made of Hard light so he's able to touch things" Paul nodded not quite understanding. "And the creature over there preening himself" Kryten said carrying on "is known simply as 'The Cat' due to the fact he is descended from cats." Rich walked out from around the corner. "Hiya Buds" The Cat said simply.

"Smuffy?" he said timidly. Tim on the other hand took 3 steps forwards and shook his head, waving his gun around dangerously.

"A Cat? NO PETS!" he said "Shitzu-Tonka regulations clearly state no pets on any Shitzu-Tonka vessel marooned in space or otherwise!" Tim aimed his gun at the Cat "Rules are rules and though this fella looks human I'm afraid we're going to have to put him to sleep."

"Whoa!" Said Lister stepping in front of the Cat, this was going to be a long stay...it was already too long for Lister's liking. In the meantime Paul had pushed past Tim knocking him to the floor and stepping on his gun arm. Paul looked down at Tim. "What did I tell you about shutting your mouth Pencildick? Look, the sooner we help these guys, the sooner they can get out of our hair...the sooner we can get back to playing Mr. Potato!" Paul added with a smirk

"Yeah Mr. Potato!" said Rich now standing beside Paul. Paul and Rich still hadn't forgiven Tim for killing and attempting to feed them their pets.

Tim's eyes widened. "No not Mr. Potato! Anything but Mr. Potato." Lister looked at Kryten and raised his eyebrow. "Err thanks man..." He said to Paul, these three were starting to scare him. They were violent and unpredictable. Not a good combination. Paul lifted his foot and released Tim's arm and turned to the Dwarfers saying "I'm Paul," Paul pointed to himself. "Tweezerdick here is Tim," Paul said pointing to Tim on the ground "and this is Rich" he said pointing to the third man. "Dermo, Fergo and" Paul then smirked before pointing to Rich and said "Fido!" In response both Tim and Paul began to bark and laugh as if it was a hilarious joke. "One man, Two men and their dog 'Woof Woof!'"

The Dwarfers raised their eyebrows and looked at each other seriously regretting their decision to come here. These guys were obviously space crazy.


	5. Necrophilia Rigor Mortis Makes Me Hard

**Ch5 - Necrophilia - Rigor Mortis Makes Me Hard!**

After the AllStars calmed down considerably a thought came to Paul's head and he walked over to Rimmer. "You're dead right?" He asked simply

"Yes...last time I checked anyway" Rimmer said with sarcasm that'd rival Paul's earlier attempt.

"So basically you know 'doing _it_' with you'd be necrophilia then?"

"I guess so, I've never really thought of that." Paul ignored Rimmer and called out to Tim. "Hey Tweezerdick, I've found you a soul mate." Paul laughed and walked off not realising that both Tim and Rimmer were about to attack him.

Paul had barely taken 5 steps when Tim and Rimmer lunged towards him, noticing this Paul quickly sidestepped and the pair ran into each other, crashing to the floor in a heap. Paul looked down at the pair and smirked. "I knew you were interested Ferguson but I thought you'd have the decency to at least wait until we were out of the room." Paul turned to walk away but he managed to trip over Rimmer's leg. "Oof" he stated as he hit the floor. Rimmer took the opportunity to punch Paul in the stomach, much to the amusement of the crew of Starbug. Tim, never one to resist an act of senseless violence on either Paul or Richard joined in.

Worriedly, Kryten and Lister made their way over the mass of writhing bodies and flailing fists and managed to pull the hologram off Paul. Paul grunted his appreciation as Rimmer began to struggle against the mechanoid and Lister. It took their combined strengths to restrain him. "You," Rimmer spat. "You slimy, despicable, rat-hearted green-discharge of a man" Rimmer directed to Paul. The Dwarfers shook their heads, this was going to be a very long stay.

Meanwhile, Paul couldn't hear Rimmer and yelled at Tim "Get the Fuck off me Ferguson."

"Why? So you can go and try your luck with that Cat-thing? And I thought you were more of a dog person." The Cat listened in bemused, believing that the fight was for his entertainment...up until Tim's little quip. "Me with him?" The Cat said to no-one in particular, "that monkey has less style than dormouse cheeks here." Cat said pointing to Lister and straightening his suit.

"Cool it guys!" Lister said still struggling to contain the raging hologram. Tim and Paul stopped fighting for a second and turned to Lister, "NO!" They said unanimously. Rich walked over to the Dwarfers. "Are they always like this sir?" Kryten asked Rich who simply nodded in reply. "How do you cope?" Rich was about to answer when a sickening thump was heard and all five pairs of eyes turned to the bloodied pair, Paul was currently straddled by Tim, yet it appeared Paul had just head butted Tim and both had blood running freely down their foreheads.

Paul looked up at Tim. "Get off me you overgrown cockroach," he said in a calm icy tone.

"Hey-hey-hey now that's personal McDermott, I can't help it if it runs in the family."

"Yeah, your mother was so ugly that a cockroach was the only thing she could get to sleep with her." Tim's fist replied for him, punching Paul in the side of the head. "Fuck you!" Paul spat back, the coppery taste of blood pooling in his mouth.

In a rare demonstration of courage, Rich said with a smirk "You already do." Paul shot Rich daggers and Rich ran for his life. Tim and Paul looked at each other, their fight forgotten for the moment and raced off after Rich, leaving the Dwarfers behind. Cat, Kryten and Lister looked at each other and decided that it probably would be in their best interests to follow them, perhaps they could get supplies and get off the submarine before someone got killed and so they ran after the three homicidal men. Rimmer followed behind, not overly fond of being left alone while the three maniacs were on the loose.


	6. Close Encounters of the Flacco Kind

**Ch6 - Close Encounters of the Flacco Kind.**

It didn't take long before Kryten, Cat and Lister had pulled ahead. To be truthful to himself as fond as he was of the idea of keeping an eye on their hosts, Rimmer wasn't comfortable leaving Starbug unguarded. The thought of being marooned for eternity with 'Dermo, Fergo and Fido' or whatever they called each other would be worse than being 'switched off.' Lost in his thoughts Rimmer didn't realise that he was headed in a different direction to his crew mates. Rimmer trudged on for another 5 minutes before the corridor split into two more, forming a 'T'-intersection. He looked around and noticed he was alone. "Smeg," he said under his breath. This wasn't good, he was lost on a giant submarine with three homicidal maniacs on the loose. despite the cool air from the air-con beads of sweat began to pour down Rimmer's face. He looked around to try and get some bearings when ahead of him was a sign pointing down each path. Rimmer walked over to the sign and read it. The one pointing to the left read 'Dissaway' and the one pointing to the right said 'Dattaway.' Rimmer raised an eyebrow, "extremely smegging helpful."

"You're telling me," said a high pitched voice from the shadows. Rimmer quickly turned around and adopted a martial arts pose. "Who said that?" he asked nervously.

"That was me," said the voice again.

"Who's me?"

"You're you, I'm me."

"Yes," Rimmer said patiently as if talking to a five-year-old, "I know I'm me but who are you?"

"I'm me."

Rimmer ground his teeth, "Well me, what's your name?" The owner of the voice jumped out from behind Rimmer. "I don't know what you're name is but I'm Flacco." He said causing Rimmer to turn around in fright. Rimmer calmed himself and looked the man up and down. He was a balding man with what little hair he had left sticking out horizontally to the floor, with a few strands curled around the top of his head to resemble a question mark and was wearing what could only be described as a medieval costume gone wrong. All in all, Rimmer thought, this new character appeared to strangely resemble a boiled egg on stilts. Given the absurdity of the situation, Rimmer gave the new character an inane grin and promptly fainted.

Flacco simply watched as the man in front of him fainted and hit the floor with a loud 'thud.' Flacco looked at Rimmer's unconscious form, "You know mate looking at you lying there like that, legs akimbo..." Flacco paused for a second and looked around furtively, "I could go for you mate."

Rimmer slowly came round to see Flacco up close staring at him. Rimmer jumped excitedly, almost knocking Flacco over, and yelled "ALIENS! I knew they existed!" Flacco turned around and excitedly yelled "Where?" Rimmer raised an eyebrow and looked at the strangely dressed man again. "Y-You're not an alien?" Flacco shook his head. "I am a fictional character..." Rimmer looked confused. "I am a figment of someone else's imagination. I am not a human being! I am a boiled egg on stilts!"

Rimmer looked at Flacco, "You're smegging barking, that's what you are!" Rimmer rubbed his temples, Lister hadn't given him any of those smegging mushrooms again had he? no they were destroyed when the crew died...could it be a relapse of the holovirus? he didn't feel any different...

Rimmer sighed, it was probably best if he humoured the strange man, "look do you know where everyone else is?" Flacco nodded and pointed down the left path.

"Dattaway," he said beginning to walk away.

"But 'dattaway' says 'dissaway,'" Rimmer said confused. Flacco walked to the sign and turned it around and repeated pointing to the left, "dattaway," Rimmer shook his head and walked the direction Flacco said.


	7. You Hate Me And I Know Why

**Ch7 - You Hate Me And I Know Why...**

After a few wrong turns Rimmer eventually found himself in a large room, full of antiques. On a quick examination, the room had three other rooms leading out from the central one. Inside he saw his crew mates and two of the three homicidal maniacs, as he thought of them, forming a circle. Tentatively Rimmer entered the room, as he did so Lister turned around and looked at him "Where have you been?" He asked quietly and not unkindly.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you..."

"At the moment I think I'll believe anything"

Rimmer shrugged, "just keep a look out for a strangely dressed man...if you see him...run!" Lister nodded and turned his attention back to the circle, Rimmer could hear some nonsensical mutterings and wondered what was happening. Rimmer walked over to him, "What's happening? where's the short odorous one?" Lister put his finger to his lips trying to quiet Rimmer but it was too late, a hysterical voice piped up. "You hate me. You all hate me and I know why! Its because I'm SHORT!"

"Paul, we don't hate you" Rich said as if he was talking to a five year old. As Rimmer approached he saw on the floor a bloodied Paul rocking back and forth in the fetal position. "You do, everybody hates me because I'm short and...and because I'm blue."

"Paul, you're not blue" Tim reasoned.

"I could be, if I held my breath long enough" Paul said in a babyish voice. "But that's not the only reason, you hate me because I wear...wear" Paul looked around him and found Tim's nightcap and put it on his head, "wear a nightcap all day"

"Paul that isn't even your nightcap, its mine."

"You hate me because I'm short and blue and constantly wear a nightcap and because" Paul paused for a bit, "and because I'm a smurfing smurf." The Dwarfers raised an eyebrow and looked questioningly at Rich, Tim and each other. "Can I point out a slight problem sir?" Kryten offered, oblivious to Rich and Tim trying to stop him. "Smurfs are in fact non-existent, there were in fact a cartoon character from the 1980's"

Paul looked at Kryten "Funny man! Funny man! Just because smurfing Gargamel eventually almost smurfing killed us all"

Kryten piped up again, "No sir, Gargamel never killed you a-" Kryten was silenced as Lister put a hand over his mouth.

"Funny man! Funny man! But you smurfing hate me most of all because-smurf-because I'm the last female smurf...because I'm a little girl smurf."

Tim shook his head, tired of Paul's childishness, "Paul! You are not a little girl I've seen you in the bath!"

Paul jumped up and hid behind a display table, only his head was visible. "Pervert! you smurf watched a little smurf girl smurf in the bath."

Richard stepped forwards and held his hands in front of him in a peace offering. "Paul, he said calmly. Don't you think this is going a bit far?"

Paul crawled out from behind the table looking as if he was about to burst into tears. "Smurf hate me because Smurf I'm a short, blue smurf nightcap wearing female smurf who gets spied on whilst smurf she's in the bath." Rich and Tim rubbed their temples and continued to try and reason with Paul.

"Oh shut your whining you filthy piece of distended rectum!" Rimmer said sick of Paul's childish carrying on. Everyone, with the exception of Paul, turned and glared at Rimmer.

"Rimmer!" Chided Lister, "show a bit of smegging compassion for once in your life." Rimmer folded his arms and turned away as Paul began again about how everybody hated him Tim and Rich looked at each other and without a word passing between them decided that it would be better for Paul if the newcomers left him alone for a while. Meanwhile, the Cat paused and looked at Paul, "You know he does kinda remind me of a smurf..."

"Uhhh...thanks Cat...but I don't think that you were very tactful" Lister said motioning to Paul who was continuing his 'you hate me speech' with a vengeance now. "And you!" Lister turned to Rimmer, "these people are kind enough to host us, to put us up for a while and you go and aggravate them!" Rich walked over to the Dwarfers, "we should go somewhere else for the moment, Paul has more chance of calming down without a crowd."

"Yeah, that's right! Leave because you hate me so much," Paul said to the retreating figures.

"Sorry about Rimmer man," apologised Lister. Rich shook his head in reply.

Tim bent down to Paul and held him about the waist, gently bringing him to his feet, "C'mon Paul, back to the womb, boomboom boomboom boomboom..." From what the retreating Dwarfers saw, Paul appeared to be calming down considerably.

"Does that happen often bud? Cause I mean next time I'm gonna bring popcorn." Rich shot the Cat daggers, it was always stressful when Paul had one of his episodes. "Look, lets just watch TV until they come back." Rich opened the door to his room and turned on the TV. An Asian lady appeared on screen. The words 'Shitzu-Tonka News In Brief' were displayed on the screen.

The newscaster spoke, "Rumours have been confirmed that Shitzu-Tonka's bid to eradicate history last season has failed. In the process President Donny Osmond has told the public that he had 'a loverly bunch of coconuts that were of more interest than the Titanic II that he was prepared to sell after the conference.' Promptly President Osmond was sedated and a spokesperson again confirmed the fact that 'the president is full of shit' and went on to add 'that too much explosive power was used in the attempt and history's greatest art treasures have survived.' More worrying though is the fact that the former comedy trio the Doug Anthony AllStars have also survived the explosion and Shitzu-Tonka retracts its earlier statement of 'sayonara suckers'...for the moment at least." The newscaster's face disappeared and was replaced by Bob Downe and his latest hit show 'Pick'a'tit.' Rimmer ignored the cheap game show and turned to face Rich, "You're comedians?" Rich nodded and Rimmer stood dumbfounded.

"But how come are you on this then?" Lister asked.

"Paul maybe...kinda assaulted the wrong person at a show," Rich said nervously.

"Assaulting? In a comedy gig? I thought you just stood up there pointing out observations on...things" Rimmer finished lamely.

"We do-I mean did...only most of the observations included Paul making fun of the audience...and throwing things...sometimes himself. However, we're mainly musical comedians, so most of our material is in song." Rich pointed to the guitar, "I'm the guitarist." Rich said proudly.

Lister smiled, "Perhaps we could have a jam session sometime?"

"Sir, do you think that's wise? After all how could he hear you if you're outside playing...you know the rule."

"C'mon Kryters, just this once?" Lister pleaded. Kryten's reply was lost as Tim and Paul burst in the room, Paul looked as if the previous half hour had never happened. "Hey Bud," the Cat said to Paul, "You okay?"

Paul smiled trying to cover up the previous half hour, "I'm perfectly normal, I'm fine, I'm OK, you're OK, we're OK."

The Cat raised an eyebrow, "if you're sure buddy."

"In fact, I feel a song coming on...IIIIIIF you're happy and you know it, skin a penguin and give its skin to a midget to wear as a tuxedo!" The Dwarfers raised an eyebrow and looked at each other. In the meantime, Rich had got his guitar and strummed a few opening chords.


	8. I Feel a Song Comming On

**Ch 8 - I Feel A Song Coming On**

"You failed at school," Paul began.

"Your family hates you." Tim and Rich joined in.

"You can't tongue kiss," continued Paul

"Your girlfriend's left you."

"You're boring and lame,"

"You're no good at sport."

At this point the song stopped and from seemingly out of nowhere Tim produced a ball, "here Paul! catch!" and at that threw the ball at Paul who missed, the ball falling through his outstretched arms.

"Damn," said Paul before beginning the song again.

"You'll always be alone,"

"People think you're strange."

"Tra la la la la" The three men put their hands together in a prayer position.

"But you know there's one way to go." Sung Paul

"Kill yourself, kill yourself,

Kill yourself, kill yourself,

Take the trip to hell.

C'mon kids commit suicide,

C'mon kids commit suicide," All three sung pretending to slash their wrists.

"Buy a ticket on a one way ride," Soloed Tim.

"C'mon kids commit suicide."

The three men began a harmonious round with their hands again in the prayer position.

"What have you got to live for?

You're nowhere, you're no-one, you're nothing."

The round was repeated 4 times before they continued on with the song.

"That'll teach 'em" Sung Paul

"for putting you down," The others joined in.

"Now they're sorry"

"for messing you 'round,"

"Your ex is crying"

"she said you wouldn't do it,"

"You were the best"

"now you've proved it yeah."

"Kill yourself, kill yourself,

Kill yourself, kill yourself,

Take the trip to hell.

C'mon kids commit suicide,

C'mon kids commit suicide,

Buy a ticket on a one way ride,

C'mon kids commit suicide." All three sung the last verse together.

The Dwarfers stared open mouthed at the three men as they finished, despite the somber content of the song, these men had beautifully harmonious voices that belied the nature of the three men who not long ago were at each other's throats.

"Sirs," began Kryten, "that matched all bar 1 requirements of a masterpiece" he said appreciatively

"But why sing about such a topic man?" asked Lister.

"Because we can," Paul shrugged.

"Fair enough" said the Cat.


	9. DinDins

**Ch 9 - DinDins **(why yes...I was hungry when I wrote this chapter...and procrastinating and sleep deprived as usual...better chapter name to come...yes again it is past midnight at writing this.)

Lister's stomach growled loudly, "Uhhh guys, is there anything around here I could eat?"

"What would you like?" asked Rich.

"At the moment I'd eat anything...so long as its not asteroid lichen"

"So there's nothing you won't eat? Chicken? Beef?" Tim looked at the Cat and smirked, "Pussy Cat?"

Lister's eyes widened and Rich whimpered remembering Smuffy. "Cut it out Ferguson!" chided Paul.

"I want Smuffy back!" wailed Rich, remembering the time Tim had tried to feed him and Paul their pet cat and snake respectively.

"Hey hey hey, slow down bud," the Cat directed at Tim, "no-one's thinking of cooking _this_ cat. Hell I'm so hot, I'm cooking myself!" Cat smirked pulling out a mirror and preening himself.

"Shut up you stupid moggy!" Rimmer snapped at the Cat.

Tim walked off, "I'll go cook us some dinner." Lister mentally made a note to keep an eye on the Cat and preferably Tim at all times. "Kryters?" Lister turned to Kryten, "would you mind going and seeing if Tim needs any help?"

"Yes Mr. Lister sir," said Kryten as he followed quickly after Tim.

Lister turned back to Paul and Rich, "he's adamant about that no pets rule isn't he?"

Rich nodded and sobbed, "he killed Smuffy!"

"Smuffy?" asked Rimmer raising an eyebrow.

"Smuffy was my special friend."

"It was a cat," clarified Paul, "because of that bloody Shitzu-Tonka no pet's rule he killed Rich's cat and my snake and then had the hide to try and _feed_ them to us!" Paul was cut off from ranting any further by a voice from the above loud speaker "NOW HERE THIS, NOW HERE THIS. DINNER WILL BE SERVED IN ONE HOUR. THIS IS NOT A DRILL I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL, THIS IS A MICROPHONE..." The voice paused for a second "_THIS_ IS A DRILL," the sound of a power drill was heard through the loud speaker.

"Shut up tweezerdick!" Paul yelled back at the loud speakers. "we're not stupid..." Paul looked at Rich, "_mos_t of us aren't stupid."

"HEY!" complained Rich.

Presently a second voice came through, "sorry sirs," apologised Kryten, "I tried to stop him..."

A thud was heard and a not so sincere "Oops" from Tim's disembodied voice. "You ok mate?" Asked Tim forgetting about the loudspeaker still being on.

"Why yes thank you Susan I'm fine..." a dazed Kryten responded "I'll have two and one half badgers..." Lister's eyes narrowed. "What the smeg did that smegger just smegging do to him?" Paul shrugged, he was confused with what this word 'smeg' meant, but from Lister's tone it was probably on par with his own favourite word...'fuck.' "Where is he?" Lister asked Paul

"This way," Paul indicated and led the group out of Tim's room into the main central room where Kryten was literally trying to knock some sense back into himself.

Lister walked angrily up to Tim, "What the smeg did you do to him?"

"I'm ok Mr. Lister sir, Mr. Ferguson accidentally dropped a rather large saucepan on my head" Kryten said shaking his head clearing it.

"Accidentally! Are you sure Kryters?"

"Well I don't blame him sirs, it was a rather heavy saucepan..."

"On your head! How'd he manage that? You're both the same height!"

"Well I had bent down to pick up a tea towel and Mr. Ferguson lost his grip on the saucepan." Tim tried his best to look innocent but the charade was ruined when he started whistling. Before any of the Dwarfers could reply Paul piped up "That's bullshit mate!"

"It's true" said Tim defensively, his voice raising an octave.

"Naa mate, that's bullshit. You tried to pull that stunt on Tricky Ricky the only time he helped you out."

"That's a lie that's a lie that's a lie! how you can stand there and say that I have no idea."

"Easily Ferguson," Paul pulled a smug face, "because I saw it happen!" Tim threw the tea towel he was holding on the floor, "I'm not going to take this, cook your own bloody dinners!" snarled Tim as he stormed into his room, his usually handsome features misplaced.


	10. Hello Soldier

**Ch 10 - Hello Soldier**

Tim sat on his bed looking at a picture of his dearly departed cousin Valmay who throughout her short life suffered many health problems. Her most fatal was her glass eye, Tim reminisced, she used to keep her spare change there. Once, Tim claimed, he lost the will to live. After a thorough search he found that behind her glass eye too! Eventually she had an operation to get a new eye...it was just a pity she didn't use it to see the oncoming truck...

Tim was lost in his musings and didn't notice a figure standing behind him. "Hello soldier." The voice said. Tim literally jumped out of his skin and turned sharply to see Bob, a balding American with a bad comb over, thick plastic glasses and big ears. "Ohh its you...ARGH! ITS YOU!" Tim did the classic double take.

"I got a problem see," the psychopathic American began, holding a hunting knife to Tim's throat. "As a boy I was always the smallest in the class...the boys always picked on me...called me wet. Quite often Timothy I'd come home with a black eye or a cracked rib. And each night Timothy my father'd belt me within an inch of my life yelling "FIGHT BOB FIGHT!" Tim paled visibly and a few beads of sweat began to trickle down his forehead. "Any how," Bob continued ignoring Tim, "one day there was a stabbing incident in the schoolyard...the boys ran into my knife 10 times Timothy." Bob smirked slightly and a manic glint was visible in his eyes. "The principle was going to take me to the police...well, I didn't want to do that and shortly after there was a stabbing incident in his office...I went home Timothy and mom was hysterical when she found out. I had to calm her down so I got father's rifle and fired a couple of warning shots..." Bob grinned manically, "...into her head..." Bob was about to continue when the door to his room was opened and Kryten entered.

"Sir, I heard noises and thought I should see if you need any hel-" Kryten paused when he saw the psychopathic American "Sir," he said to Bob, "I suggest you let Mr. Ferguson go at once." Bob was surprised, it was rare that another crew member walked in on his little liaisons with Tim. In his brief distraction he inadvertently loosened his grip on Tim, giving Tim the opportunity to escape from Bob's grasp.

Tim's hand fumbled for a bit until he reached one of the many guns that were ever-present in Tim's room, he quickly aimed and fired. The bullet hit Bob in the forehead, he swayed back and forth for a bit before saying "I'm Bob...and I'll be back..." and falling to the ground. Tim dropped the gun and looked at Bob, that was the worst Bob had been for a while, by now Tim was used to him trying to kill him and despite Bob being a 'fictional character' like Flacco, Tim was pretty sure that Bob could kill him.

"Who was that?" Kryten asked.

"Bob - an American psychopath."

"Why was he trying to kill you?" Tim shrugged, he honestly had no idea

"Because he's American?" Tim offered. Kryten didn't understand Tim's reasoning but asked the next question that was nagging at him. "What did he mean when he said that he'll be back? Surely sir you killed him?"

Again Tim shrugged, "every few days he comes and finds me..."

"And you kill him every time?"

"No, most times he kills himself..."

"But how does that work, surely once he's dead sir..."

"He's a fictional character, we have a couple of them on board, only Bob rarely disturbs Pixie and Dixie." Tim indicated to Paul and Rich

"But he can touch you, surely fictional characters are intangible sir!" For the third time in as many minutes Tim offered a response with a shrug and through clenched teeth, "All I know is he's a psychopathic American...called Bob..."

"Oh," was all Kryten could say.


	11. Would You Like a Cup of Tea?

**Ch 11 - Would You Like a Cup of Tea?**

Paul, Rich, Lister, Cat and Rimmer sat around a table in the centre of the room. "Would anybody like a cup of _tea_?" Paul asked amiably.

"Yes please," said Rich and Lister simultaneously.

"Well get it yourselves!" Paul snapped, "what did your last slaves die of?" Lister's mouth opened dumbfounded, Rich on the other hand was used to Paul's sudden mood swings like this and just sat silently. "But you just offered a cup of tea!"

"No, I asked if you wanted one I didn't say I'd get it for you dormouse cheeks," Paul said adopting one of the Cat's insults. "Fine then," Paul conceded as Lister narrowed his eyes at him.

Paul stood up and walked over to the kitchenette and boiled the kettle. Within a few minutes it boiled and Paul brought over on a tray the kettle, milk, sugar and two cups. Unfortunately Lister missed the manic glint in Paul's eyes as he approached. "How do you have it then?"

"White and two thanks," said Lister. Paul smirked and proceeded to pour the boiling water into Lister's lap. Lister screamed as the boiling water hit his groin and attempted to stand up. Unfortunately, Lister only managed to fall off his chair at which point Paul poured the milk over Lister and unceremoniously plopped two spoonfuls of sugar in Lister's face. Cat and Rimmer found the exchange hilarious and were almost joining Lister on the floor in hysterics.

"WHAT THE SMEG DID YOU DO THAT FOR!" Screamed Lister through gritted teeth as he writhed on the ground, clutching his groin in pain.

"You never asked for it in a cup," Paul shrugged evilly. Lister looked up at Paul, his eyes full of loathing. "You are so going to pay for that McDermott!" Spat Lister as he stood up.

"And how do you suppose your gonna do that you dreadlocked hippy?" snarled Paul. Rich and Rimmer looked at each other, blinked and without a word between them scrambled for cover under the table leaving the Cat up top to enjoy the proceedings, he was enjoying these shows, as long as no-one messed up his suits he was happy. Lister despite his anger was loathe to make the first move, having seen before how Paul fought he needed the upper hand early if he was going to have a proper chance at beating Paul into submission.

Lister's eyes were still locked on Paul as he removed his jacket and threw it on the ground. Paul took advantage of that and leapt at Lister, aiming a punch to the stomach, Lister sidestepped and Paul landed unceremoniously on the ground with a thud. Lister smirked and leapt on top of Paul and hit Paul squarely on the jaw. Paul's eyes widened and he snarled at Lister before raising a fist in an attempt to hit Lister. Lister expected this from Paul's earlier fight with Tim and easily caught Paul's hand before it could make contact. "Get. The. Fuck. Off. Me. Now." Paul spat at Lister who shook his head in reply. Paul attempted to turn in order to reverse places, however, Lister had Paul firmly pinned to the floor.

With Lister's next hit Paul managed to bite Lister's arm when it came dangerously close to his mouth. "ARGH! SMEG!" Yelled Lister as Paul broke the skin. He smirked and took advantage of Lister's preoccupation and brought his legs up and under Lister before literally throwing Lister off of himself. He stood up and looked down at Lister who was beginning to look scared. Paul felt the coppery taste of blood in his mouth and spat it out onto Lister, deeming the fight was over he pulled his leg back and his foot firmly connected with Lister's joy department. Lister's eyes bugged and he screamed in pain before curling up in the fetal position and whimpering to himself whilst Paul walked back to the table and sat down again with an evil smirk on his face. "Hey bud," the Cat said to Paul as he sat down, "You should have ended on a song then it would have been perfect!"

Tim and Kryten had heard Lister's scream and came running out of Tim's room. "Mr. Lister sir, what happened?"

"That...Smegging...Poisoned...Dwarf..." Lister managed through clenched teeth. Kryten looked to Paul who had a 'Who me?' look on his bloodied face. Tim looked at Paul and smiled, "What'd ya do?"

"That bloody dreadlocked hippy attacked me!" Paul said defensively.

"Yeah, because you poured boiling water in my lap!"

"Well you should have asked for a cup as well." Paul retaliated. Tim nodded in agreeance, quite often he'd forgotten to ask for a cup when Paul offered tea and had the same thing happen.

"Generally that's implied when you ask for a _cup_ of tea."

"Look," offered Tim, "why don't we solve this in a mature and adult way...through a game of cards...we'll show you the ropes"


	12. Have You Got AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA One?

**Ch 12 - Have you got aaaaaaaaa one?**

Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Tim, Rich and Paul were playing cards. It was decided that Kryten would attempt to stop anyone from cheating...however everyone was cheating and after the first ten minutes Kryten gave up and settled on working out how to stop them from killing each other which seemed inevitable. The tension between the players was thick, both Lister and Rimmer showed animosity towards Paul, and despite the fact that Rimmer knew Paul was a shit stirrer he still wasn't comfortable around Tim if what Paul had said held any merit.

In this round Tim and the Cat each had one card; Lister, Paul and Rimmer had three and by some strange occurrence Rich had the rest. Tim's voice echoed through the room as he asked Rich, "Have you got aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa," there was a pause as Tim looked over his card, "one?" Rich seemed to take ages looking through his cards, during which Rimmer said in an annoyed voice, "its called an Ace you gimboid!" Eventually Richard replied, "nup," and directed his question to Tim, "have you got aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa king?" if it was possible Tim seemed to take longer than Richard did to check over his solitary card. Paul was annoyed and threw his cards on the table. "Can we stop this stupid game!" Lister and Rimmer nodded in agreement. As if replying to Rich's request and Paul's question at once Tim replied "nup." Paul let out a frustrated groan and left the table. Tim picked up Paul's cards and looked at them, "that bastard!" he cried indignantly, "he did have a one!" Paul's voice could be heard from his room "NO! ITS A FUCKING ACE YOU ARSEHOLE!"

A calm occurred for the first time since the Dwarfers had arrived. Unfortunately, this didn't last long as Paul calmed down sufficiently from his game of cards to realise something was wrong in his room and Paul's head appeared from his room. "Who the fuck cleaned MY room?"

"Um, that was me sir." Kryten nervously answered, "Your room was worse than Mr. Lister's quarters and I'm afraid as a sanitation mechanoid, despite breaking my programming I couldn't allow for that to be the case," Kryten rambled. Indeed, Kryten had seen the state of Paul's room and had tidied up, filing away all his childish drawings, putting away his toys and even removing the stains that had been on Paul's uniform for over a year.

Paul walked out of his room and his face was red with anger. He stalked over to the mechanoid and clenched his fists. "Who gave you permission to even enter my room bolt brain?" Kryten looked guiltily towards the ground, his already hyperactive guilt chip becoming very much more so. Tim and Rich sensed another fight was about to break out. Tim put his card down, hurried over to Paul and put a reassuring arm on Paul's shoulder. Paul quickly spun around and looked up at Tim with a murderous glint in his eyes. "DON'T TOUCH ME FERGUSON!" He yelled. Startled Tim quickly dropped his hand from Paul's shoulder and instinctively took a step back.

"Look Paul." Began Tim trying to reason with the short man, "Paul why don't we calm down over a game?" Paul grinned manically at Tim.

"Like Mr. Potato?" He asked evilly. Tim's eyes widened.

"No not Mr. Potato! Each time we play that you nearly kill me McDermott!" Tim said in a scared voice.

"Ever thought that's the idea Tweezerdick?"

"Ummm...err...how about we go down to the alcohol library instead?" Tim asked in an attempt to change the topic off him dressing up as a potato and them sticking facial features with long sharp ends into him. Paul thought for a moment, "alright pencildick, if I drink enough I might forget you, tricky Ricky and the freaks exist and I'm back in Tangawarra."

"Great, lets go then!" Tim said happily, getting drunk on the remaining alcohol seemed like a good idea to him...a much better idea...just as long as it doesn't spark Paul's drinking problem again, last time was bad enough with Paul hallucinating that he was a Mexican Hitler. The Dwarfers didn't appear to mind either which was another bonus. In the AllStars' opinion the only thing worse than uninvited guests were uninvited guests who don't drink.


	13. Drink Drink Drink Until You're Drunk

**Ch 13 - Drink, Drink, Drink. Drink Until Your Drunk.**

The Dwarfers and the AllStars sat around the bar in the alcohol library, steadily drinking their way through the remnants of the alcohol kept there. "Ya know mate," hiccupped Rich to the near comatose body of the Cat, "this stufh's prish-prich-worth a lot of money..." The Cat nodded before passing out causing Rich to smile.

Paul and Tim sat with Rimmer and Lister playing poker; however Paul was loosing and in his drunken state was becoming very emotional, "It's not fair!" He whined. "It's not fair, I never win at poker, it's not fair." Lister lent over to Paul and started patting him on the back "Shhh, its ok. You'll win the next hand Paul, its ok." Paul stopped mid sentence and looked over at Lister, his eyes narrowing. "DON'T TOUCH ME LISTER!" He yelled, forgetting his attention seeking behaviour. Lister's hand recoiled as if he had been bitten, he'd learnt from experience not to try and best Paul in a fight. His diminutive stature belied his fighting prowess…if you could call it that.

Meanwhile, Tim and Rimmer took advantage of the pause in the game and started talking. "Mate," Tim began, "I-I-I luv ya mate," he slurred drunkenly.

"I love you too mate," Rimmer slurred back uncharacteristically.

"Na, mate!" Tim said slightly upset, "Oi luv ya li-loi-like a mate, mate" He said leaning in towards Rimmer who had seemingly forgotten that Tim had been accused of Necrophilia by Paul and had put his arm around Tim.

Rich shook the comatose body of the Cat in a vain attempt to rouse him. Despite Rich's efforts all that came from the Cat was a mumbling that sounded to the AllStars like "sing is another song will ya buds." The AllStars looked at each other and shrugged saying "might as well". In their drunken state they stood up and walked towards a makeshift stage. Rich's guitar magically appeared in his hands as if from nowhere, as was usually the case whenever they sang. Rich strummed the opening chords to the song.

"It's a broad lick Nic,  
And I'll tell you while I'm able or I'll smash your skull,  
If you're not drinking enough Black Label.  
It's a hard man's drink and though the bottle's broken,  
Put your money on the table," sang Paul  
"Strain the glass through your teeth.   
We grew up lean, mean, Kings of the Street Scene.  
Without a mother's guiding hand to keep us clean.  
Down your rum, we'll take life as it comes,  
And all you blue rinse critics lick our literary bums." Tim and Rich

"I drank my first pure malt before I was three," Sang Paul  
"Smoked a pack of Dutch cigarettes my pappy left for me." Added Tim  
"And I romanced a little lass who was twelve years my elder at the age of six I held her.  
That year I also bed her so before I was seven my first child was born." Sang Rich to the astonished look of both the AllStars and the Dwarfers  
"I told a pack of filthy lies as a politician,  
Heard my own confession as act of contrition. " Tim quickly sung.  
I spent ten years as a Trappist monk in a village in Tibet,  
And I walked up Everest naked just to win a bet." Sang Paul not to be outdone.

"Well I cut off my leg to win a one legged race,  
And when I won I stitched right back into place." Again sang Tim  
"I fought Mohammed Ali, I've seduced Mata Hari.  
I've even worn a sari when I impersonated Gandhi." Joined in Rich.  
"And I dare any man here to call me a liar... LIARS!  
But I swear I've seen Ezekiel, I swear I've seen Isaiah,  
Toasting marshmallows in Beelzebub's fire." Finished Paul

"And we're mad,"

"MAD!" Joined in the Dwarfers getting in the swing of the song

"Bad,"

"BAD!"

"Dangerous to know.  
We never gave a tinkers cuss about the seeds we'd sow.  
And we stay up late and never be forlorn.  
And when the morning comes around we'll kiss the crack of dawn." The three AllStars sang.

"We took the whacks from Kerouac's and dusty Dostoyevsky's,  
And when all was said and done booze was all I had left me.  
For all the world's great thinkers are all a load of pus!  
And if you asked us how Zarathustra spoke," soloed Paul before the other two joined in.  
"He spoke thus: Drink! Drink! Drink!  
Drink until your drunk,  
Drink until you can't stand up,  
Till you're roly poly stunk.  
Till your bladder bursts till you throw a fit and curse,  
Til they lift you up still comatose and slam dance in the hearse."

"And we're good,"

"GOOD!" Again the Dwarfers joined in

"Bad,"

"BAD!"

"Ugly as sin.   
We mixed up cough syrup with our gin  
So take your medicine.   
I pray that when I die,  
There'll be someone else around to kiss my ass goodbye.  
Yes I pray, I pray, I pray that when I die," the three sang before Paul finished with the last line  
"There'll be someone else around to kiss my ass goodbye."

The AllStars finished the song to large round applause from the Dwarfers minus the comatose Cat.


	14. ACK! Bright Light Hurt Eyes

Ch 14 - ACK! Bright Light Hurt Eyes!

Lister slowly awoke in the same position he was in before passing out the night before cradling a traffic cone. "Ahhh good afternoon Mr. Lister sir," said Kryten as he was cleaning up after last night's drinking session.

"Kryters," whispered Lister hoarsely. "Do you think you could keep it down a bit? Me head hurts like buggery" Paul's voice piped up, sounding almost as bad as Lister.

"Na mate, nothing hurts like buggery. Now shut up before I have to hurt ya."

"Ugg," moaned Rimmer. "It's too bright"

"But sir," said Kryten confused, "the light's off."

"And that is too much bud," chipped in the Cat rolling onto his stomach.

"If you don't all shut the fuck up now I will kill you!" Paul said loudly instantly regretting it as the words reverberated in his head. However, it had the desired effect causing everyone else to immediately shut up and hold their heads in pain as well.

"Mmmmph" exclaimed Rich as, against all of his body's wishes, he stood up quickly and made for the toilet to throw up. A slight grin escaped Kryten's lips as he saw how bad the hangover that the humanoids and the hologram had. He wasn't surprised though, not after how much they drank last night. In fact Kryten was surprised there was any alcohol left at all, especially not half of what was in the room!

"Rich," called Paul softly, "can your throw up a bit quieter?" Rich mumbled something incoherent back at Paul before becoming engrossed in conversation with the toilet bowel once more. Paul sighed and closed his eyes, listening to the pounding in his head. Kryten shook his head and began to distribute water and the hangover tablets he found the night before. 'Surely the humanoids'd need a stomache pump after the amount of alcohol they'd consumed.' Kryten had mused before his companions had awoken, almost wish they hadn't done so, Mr Lister's hangovers were bad enough to deal with without the added burden of another five...

Later that evening after everyone gradually recovered from the mother of all hangovers, the AllStars had retired to their respective rooms for a break from each other and the Dwarfers, leaving the Dwarfers to play a game of cards in the main room. "Dear Mummy-Wummy, Sunny, Smuffy, Wuffy, Ika-Wika-Woo." Rich said aloud as he wrote a letter to his mother, "Its your Ickle-Wickle, Itchy-Ritchy baby boy writing to you again from the Titanic. The last two days have been exciting mum! Another ship crashed into us. I'm okay by the way. On board was a man who smells almost as bad as Paul, a robot, a man made of light and a Cat. The Cat makes me think of Smuffy. Why did Tim have to kill Smuffy mum? He's always being mean to me, both him and Paul. Sometimes I wish I was Catboy so I could scratch their eyes out." Rich scratched the air with his hand before going back to his letter, "last night Paul and Lister had a fight, Paul won naturally. Lister wasn't too happy about that so to make up for it, we all went down to the alcohol library for a party. It was fun...at least I think it was fun...I can't really remember much though." Rich read over his letter before finishing it off, "These new guys are different and fun to be around mum but I hope they don't stay too long."

In Tim's room he was again polishing a gun as he too wrote a letter to his mother. "Dear Jocasta," He read aloud what he had just written, "I was glad to hear that cousin Valmay's now got an artificial leg...its just a pity that her good leg got amputated instead...We've got some new people on board despite Shitzu-Tonka regulations. They break all the rules and everything. They even brought a Cat on board. Now granted by some freak of nature he looks like you and me...only not as good looking but he's still a cat. It's against regulations to have animals on board no matter how human they are...I'm still wondering how Paul got through...Anyway, that said, back to our new companions. Its like there's another Paul and Richard here one's smelly and has poor hygiene...and the other's a coward. I've got nothing against them but I hope they don't stay too long."

Paul sat at his desk scribbling a letter to his mother as well. "Dear mum." He too read out loud, how his mother ever understood the scribbles she was sent every week no-one but her knew. "I'm sorry I missed your coming out party, things came up that we couldn't cancel...like being shot into orbit. Hopefully I'll be back soon, just don't go chasing after dad until I'm back and can give you an alibi. I know its hard, but look what happened last time! Not even space is free from unwelcome guests these days mum. I mean some weirdos crashed into us and are now using our generosity and goodwill to its extent. I know you know some freaks yourself from when you were 'inside' but here we have a dead guy, a dreadlocked hippy, a wackjob who thinks he's related to cats and someone who looks like his head was used as a chewtoy! They're really starting to annoy me...especially the hippy. Give my love to the family and for these weirdo's sakes I hope they don't stay too long..."

Oblivious to the letters being written, the Dwarfers played the obligatory game of Fish. Scarily it was as addictve as it was stupid..."have you got aaaaaaaaa one?" asked the Cat who only had the one card left. Rimmer sighed "its called an ACE you gimboid!"

At


	15. Payback

**Ch15 - Payback**. (With Thanks to Rosa for getting this chapter started where I couldn't and Alice for the idea)

"Where the fuck's Paul gone?" screeched Tim over the noise from Lister's guitar, "He has my best hair spit jar!"

"Shut up, man, I'm trying to play," complained Lister

"Stupid hippy," Came Paul's voice from his room. Tim walked out of the room and into Paul's after the short monkeyman, as Richard emerged from his own room. Rimmer groaned, "God no, not the two animals in the one room," He looked pointedly at the Cat and Richard and followed Tim out into Paul's room. Anywhere to get away from everyone else.

"Whats up his flagpole?" asked Lister.

"I dunno bud, but this fish don't taste so good. And I dont see you following our rule.." he looked pointedly at Listers guitar the cat said heading for the toilet.

"Fine. Fine. I might as well follow them, make sure they're not up to no good." Said Lister as he put the guitar down and followed Tim and Rimmer. Richard looked a bit confused before returning to his room, trailing aces and bits of paper, whatever was about to happen he didn't want to be blamed.

Tim stood in the doorway of Paul's room with Rimmer acting as Tim's shadow. "Paul," began Tim. "What the hell have you done with my best hair spit jar?"

"I didn't touch your stupid jar Ferguson," snapped Paul who was in a bad mood like he usually was after not recieving a letter from his mum. "Go ask that stupid robot friend of theirs," said Paul pointing to Rimmer, "he seems to get rid of anything not nailed down."

"What are you doing in here anyway McDermott?" asked Tim.

"Not that its any of your business Tweezer-dick but I was trying to get some peace and quiet. And get away from that dreadlocked hippy's awful guitar playing!"

"Hey!" Yelled Lister indignantly, "I'm like the ghost of hendrix man."

"Yeah well I wish you'd actually be like Hendrix and FUCK OFF!" Lister visably stiffened and Tim and Rimmer being in front had to restrain him from attacking Paul. Paul, oblivious to the danger unfolding around him and still in a bad mood continued insulting all in the room. "It's nice to know true love has finally run its course," he said with a snarl looking at Tim and Rimmer. "I was wondering how much longer it'd take you two to hook up." Tim's eyes narrowed and Rimmer's nostrils flared. Without a word passing between them Tim and Rimmer released their grip on Lister and all three launched themselves at Paul knocking him from his chair and onto the floor. "That fucking hurt Ferguson!" Yelled Paul on the floor looking up at three angry faces. "You have to take things too far don't you?" Said an irate Lister.

"You've gone far too far this time McDermott. I've had it up to hear with you!" Tim said indicating to his own eye level.

"Oh yeah and what are you gonna do about it you fucking pretty boy?" Challenged Paul. Tim lifted Paul up by his jumpsuit and pinned him to the wall at Tim's height, putting Paul a good foot off the ground.

"THIS!" Yelled Tim punching Paul firmly in the jaw, which caused an irate Lister and Rimmer to join in punching Paul in the stomach and sides whilst Tim one handedly managed to hold Paul up and fend off his attack with the other, occasionally getting in a couple of punches.

"FUCK. Ooomph. OFF." Snarled a defiant Paul as they started attacking. Paul managed a sharp kick at Rimmer, who protected by his hard light bee barely felt anything. Paul's left foot however throbbed in pain. He'd forgotten that the stupid robot had said that the dead guy was indestructable. So his next kick he aimed towards Tim who was pinning him to the wall. By a lucky shot, Paul managed to hit Tim square in the stomach who in pain loosened his grip on Paul and fell backwards. Paul fell to the floor, unprepared and landed with a thud. As he stood up he was this time siezed roughly by two sets of hands who again roughly threw him against the wall before continuing their attack.

Tim stood up and slowly but menacingly walked the few steps back to Paul, taking him back from Rimmer and Lister. "Let me guess McDermott," he said menacingly. "You don't know what you did to deserve this?" Despite being in pain and more pissed off than ever, Paul would usually have a dozen comebacks for Tim, or anyone else for that matter. However, the look in Tim's eyes scared him and he said nothing. "Just be glad we're not sending you to Thulgore again McDermott." Thulgore was the AllStars 'domestic' pet thing who looked like a cross between a crab and an ogre...and twice as ugly. Paul's eye's widened slightly, his Birthday last year, he'd annoyed Tim and Rich too much and they'd fed him to Thulgore. He'd barely escaped with his life and an experience he didn't care to remember anytime soon.

Tim noticed the scared look in Paul, this didn't happen too often and Tim felt powerful. "Send praises to whichever god you're worshipping this week." Tim said as he used his free hand to block another kick from Paul. In a bid to incapacitate Paul and protect him, Lister and Rimmer from Paul's sharp kicks, Tim performed Paul's favourite move. A swift knee to the groin. Paul's eyes bugged as he doubled up in pain letting out a weak "ohhh." Tears began falling down Paul's cheek but he didn't say anything. Tim let go of Paul who for the second time dropped to the floor with a THUD. Where he gave him a sharp kick in the ribs, causing Paul to duble up further in pain. Tim was about to kick him again when Lister held him back. "Look at him man," Lister said pointing to the sobbing man infront of them, "Don't you think we've proven our point? I don't think he'll be saying anything bad about us again." Tim looked at the ball that was Paul "I guess you're right,"

"Thanks man," said Lister as he and Rimmer walked out of Paul's room. Tim gave Paul a swift kick in the back before he too followed the pair out leaving Paul in his room sobbing noisily. 


	16. Random Breaking of the Fourth Wall

Random Author Self Inserting Interlude. Has no effect on the plot. We disrupt your usual story with an MSN converstion situated in reality.

(Po)tSHoA says: BASTARD TIM! Why did he have to do that?  
Llama Girl says: Cause he's a bastard?  
(Po)tSHoA says: True but why did you write him attack Paul?  
Llama Girl says: Because as much as I love Paul, he did have it comming to him sooner or later.  
(Po)tSHoA says: True, but Tim was such a bastard!  
Llama Girl says: You were the one who gave me the idea in the first place!  
(Po)tSHoA says: Yeah but I didn't mean for Tim to be such a bastard to Paul...it was supposed to be Lister! Lister's more harmless! And not as prone to violence against Paul at the drop of a pin.  
Llama Girl says: Well, I'll go talk it over with him.  
(Po)tSHoA says: I'm coming too. He deserves to be attacked like he attacked Paul.  
Llama Girl says: True, but let me talk to him before you give him a split lip.  
Merly has been added to the conversation.  
Merly says: Hi guys!  
Merly says: guys?  
Merly says: Anyone out there?

A short woman in a purple shirt, jeans and a polar fleece jacket with spiked hair appeared behind Tim. "And why the hell did you do that?" She asked the tall man.  
"What do you mean why did I do that? Paul had gone too far. And besides you wrote it"  
"You know how I feel for Paul! And besides if I wrote you jumping off a cliff would you do it"  
"I'd kind of have to wouldn't I"  
"Should keep that in mind..." Said the woman thoughtfully.  
"Just cause you prefer the dead guy and the monkey man to me"  
"Tim, you know how I felt for you when I was younger, but people change. I grew out of liking pretty boys"  
"And like Paul moved towards bestiality"  
"That's low Ferguson"  
"No I believe you are." Tim said referring to the woman's height.  
"Ohhhh you're gonna pay for that one Pretty boy"  
"I'm so scared." Retorted Tim sarcastically.  
"You should be. At the rate you're going we'll be playing Mr Potato before long." Tim's eyes widened at the mention of Mr Potato. "No anything thing but Mr Potato"  
"Well you'd better behave then hadn't you?" Tim nodded. "I'll trust you this time Ferguson...but next time I won't be so nice." The woman started to turn when another girl appeared as if from nowhere as well. "I think he needs to be taught a lesson after what he did to Paul." Said the new girl. The author smirked. "I do believe you're right there Alice..." The two girls, one shorter than Paul, the other closer to Rich's height menacingly backed Tim into the wall.  
"Lets see how you like it Ferguson." Said the author as she unleased the first punch, which was quickly follwed by a second from Alice who exclaimed loudly "THIS IS FOR KILLING PAUL IN EDINBURGH YEARS YOU BASTARD"  
"This is for beheading Paul last Bastille day!" exclaimed the author hitting Tim again.  
"This is for turning into a cockroach and trying to eat Rich"  
"And for causing Paul to try and suicide when you were running for World Leader"  
"For trying to feed Paul to Thulgore on his birthday"  
"Impersonating a bastard Frenchman"  
"This is for Smuffy"  
"And Salome"  
"AND THIS" They roared together, "IS FOR BEING AN INSUFFERABLE PRAT!" As they launched into a full on attack. Paul, was on the floor cradling his own wounds stared at the scene dumbfoundedly. People were actually sticking up for him! And the author no less. Granted she was the one who wrote him into this situation, but the fact that Tim was recieving more pain than Paul himself had cheered him up greatly.  
The girls stopped their ministrations and the author turned to Paul. "I'm sorry, but we couldn't let him get away with what he did to you"  
"That's right." The girls each gave Paul a hug and vanished as suddenly as they appeared. A pop was heard and a girl called Merly came into view. She looked around "DAMMIT they've beaten me to it...Oh well." She looked at Tim who was on the floor, gave him a swift kick to the groin and disappeared like Alice and the author.

Meanwhile back in reality over MSN.  
(Po)tSHoA says: Feel better now?  
Llama Girl says: Much. Stupid bastard Tim.  
Merly says: The least you could have done was wait for me!  
(Po)tSHa says: Sorry.  
Llama Girl says: Soz...


End file.
